I never wanted to be a teacher really. I guess in some capacity, I always thought of myself as an educator, but doing what I do now, was never really the vision I had for myself. I'm smart. I'm a hard worker. I'm dedicated and passionate. Teaching 4 year olds, often makes me feel like I'm selling myself short, a negative self-perception I credit to bad media and our society's lack of support and understanding for educators. I have somehow let myself believe the old saying, "Those who can't do, teach."
How did this happen? I am the first to fiercely advocate for early childhood education. The first to shout back, "No! We need our best and brightest in every classroom!" The first to recognize the direct correlation between comprehensive early childhood education and the resolution of many of our social problems. Why is it that, although I am actively participating in a cause and movement I know to be a key factor in achieving change, I sometimes feel unhappy and unsuccessful? Why, even though I know how important my job is, do I still feel like "just a teacher"?
After an uncomfortable talk with my partner about why the recent change in my life course has become so difficult for me to accept, I turned to trusty google. A quick google search of "how to be okay with choices you didn't predict" led me to an amazing TED talk about the science of happiness. Dan Gilbert presents two kinds of happiness. Natural happiness being what we get when we get what we want. Synthetic happiness being what we make when we don't get what we want. He states that our society makes us believe that synthetic happiness is somehow inferior to natural happiness.
I have allowed myself to feel inferior, allowed my choices to feel inferior and allowed my success to be inferior simply because it isn't what I wanted. Gosh, I hate it when I find myself so much a product of my toxic society.
Interestingly though, I think key word in Gilbert's definition of synthetic happiness is "make." Synthetic happiness allows us to make our happiness. To create it from something that didn't exist before. To put in personal effort to claim said happiness. So I didn't want to be a teacher. Big deal. I didn't get what I wanted-I'm not living abroad being a general bad ass, whatever the hell that would look like anyway. But, what I do have is a wonderful opportunity to create happiness and define it by whatever terms I want. I have the opportunity to release myself of blame, regret and any feelings of inferiority. I can release blame from my partner and friends who are experiencing natural happiness.
Happiness is happiness and I now refuse to deny myself of it simply because life changed. If I can learn to embrace this idea of synthetic happiness, I predict a much easier transition the next time life throws me a curve ball. Because, let's face it, life rarely works out the way we predicted or wanted.
Love,
AJ
