Gratitude. Relief. Anticipation. Joy.

Today is my last day in Tulsa. For now, anyway. When I moved here two years ago, I had no idea what to expect from this experience. I had never been to Oklahoma, I had never taught anything really, let alone a class of four year olds. I was literally driving into the unknown. The last two years have been a whirlwind of emotions, experiences…just life in general. However, these last few days have seemed to go in slow motion. As I donate and sell my things, pack up my car and say my goodbyes, I have become completely overwhelmed. I’ve wanted to write this post for a while now, but the sheer amount of emotions I’m feeling made it seem impossible to condense into one blog post. But, I think I’ve managed to narrow it down. As this chapter comes to an end, I’m definitely feeling the most amounts of gratitude, relief, anticipation and joy.  

When I think about the last two years holistically, the feeling that overcomes me the most is gratitude. I knew I would make friends here, but I had no idea to what extent some of these relationships would affect me. There are a handful of women in particular who were my lifeline. My family away from home. My dearest confidants and fiercest advocates. The women who were my leaders, coaches and guides- my principals, staff development teacher, MTLDs- patiently nurtured me from the depressed, angry, hopeless disaster of my first year to the confident, bold, convicted, creative teacher I am today. They made me a teacher.  They helped me find a career path and a passion when I had none. When I say they were my lifelines, it is no exaggeration. These women literally gave me a life. A path. A passion. A purpose. We all go into teaching thinking we will make change, even if it’s just for one child. These fearless leaders have changed my life in such a real, tangible way. I want them to know that they did change the world, because they changed me and I changed my students and for this, I am forever in their debt. I also would not have survived these two years without my wonderful teacher neighbors. These few women saw me at what I can honestly say was my absolute worst, on multiple occasions, and refused to let it cloud their image of me. They suspended their judgments, accepted my flaws along with my strengths, challenged me when I needed it and celebrated in my successes always. To say that they were supportive and caring and all those other nice things would be a complete understatement. These women, even when faced with their own personal and professional challenges, still found the time and strength to be my anchors, my shoulder to cry on (literally), and my bestest friends. Y’all are the best people I know and my dearest, dearest friends. Words cannot describe how overwhelmingly grateful I am for everyone who has walked into my life this past year. I am so grateful to the parents and families of my students, for allowing me into their lives and their families and for trusting me with their most prized possessions. I am so grateful for my students and their curiosity, patience, exuberance and wonder about the world. I honestly think I learned more from them than I ever taught. I am so grateful. Just exceedingly, overwhelmingly, exhaustingly grateful.

 

As this chapter comes to an end, I definitely feel relieved. There were some dark, dark times here. Times when I did and said things I never thought I would. Times when relationships were shattered beyond repair. Times when I didn’t get out of bed for an entire weekend. It is a huge weight off my shoulders to completely forgive myself for any mistakes, forgive others who may have hurt me, put it all behind me and just move on. Fresh starts are always nice, but the difficulties of the last two years make this one special. I’m leaving a lot of weight and negativity behind and it feels so good. Student loans are paid for. Negative relationships are cut off.  Material things sold/donated. The only thing I’ll take with me is positivity, as I refuse to ever be that sad, lonely, angry, etc., again. I’m also relieved to no longer be a TFA corps member and to transition into alumni hood. To a certain extent, you’re always a corps member because the battle for equity won’t stop until equity is actually achieved. But, I’m excited to hopefully spend my time more productively, instead of in weekly, fruitless professional development sessions. I’d like to spend more time learning about curriculum development and what it actually takes to teach kids. Now, instead of representing an organization I don’t always agree with, I can represent myself, as a real teacher with real ideas, real strategies, and real experiences.  It’s nice to not be a newbie anymore.

The releasing of all those negative emotions and experiences has allowed so much room for giddy anticipation. People keep asking me, with furrowed brows and a tone of such sincere concern, “How are you feeling about the big move?” like I’m supposed to share in their concern. Honestly, I’m not nervous at all. I’m not anxious. I haven’t played through the scenarios of terrible things that could happen. All I feel is excitement. Anticipation. Giddy. I’ve always been one to have way too many goals and dreams to keep track of, but everything I’ve ever wanted to be when I grew up (astronaut, pilot, actress, journalist, anthropologist) was ultimately centered around a common theme- I wanted to see the world. I’ve honestly never wanted anything else so badly and I feel so incredibly fortunate that the opportunity has finally arrived. I am ecstatic to try new foods, learn a new language, see new sights, meet new people. I’m at the stage right now where I’m even excited to use squat toilets, take grungy public transportation and have strangers want to touch my light, wavy hair. It’ll all be so new, so exciting, so vibrant, so different. I’m totally romanticizing it now, and I’ve always known that I completely romanticize living and traveling abroad, but that’s part of the reason I’m doing this. I want to actually know what it’s like in other places. I want to know first hand, from my own experiences instead of from western media. The world is so big and how lucky are we to have developed the technology to explore it. Why in the world would I be nervous? This is awesome! This is going to be the most badass thing I ever do!

All of these emotions and experiences ultimately leave me feeling happier than I think I’ve ever felt so far. For as many tears as I’ve shed these past two years, I have shared exponentially more laughs with the most amazing people. For every failure, there were that many more monumental successes. I know this next adventure will be hard, just like this last one. I know there will be moments of loneliness and despair. I know this. But, if I’ve learned anything from these last two years, it’s that life goes on. With every down, there is an up. The lower the lows, the higher the highs. And through all of this fluctuating, that’s where growth and change happens. After all, change in all things is sweet. 

Thanks for everything, Tulsa. See you soon! 

Love, 

AJ

A note on happiness and success

I never wanted to be a teacher really. I guess in some capacity, I always thought of myself as an educator, but doing what I do now, was never really the vision I had for myself. I'm smart. I'm a hard worker. I'm dedicated and passionate. Teaching 4 year olds, often makes me feel like I'm selling myself short, a negative self-perception I credit to bad media and our society's lack of support and understanding for educators. I have somehow let myself believe the old saying, "Those who can't do, teach."

How did this happen? I am the first to fiercely advocate for early childhood education. The first to shout back, "No! We need our best and brightest in every classroom!" The first to recognize the direct correlation between comprehensive early childhood education and the resolution of many of our social problems. Why is it that, although I am actively participating in a cause and movement I know to be a key factor in achieving change, I sometimes feel unhappy and unsuccessful? Why, even though I know how important my job is, do I still feel like "just a teacher"?

After an uncomfortable talk with my partner about why the recent change in my life course has become so difficult for me to accept, I turned to trusty google. A quick google search of "how to be okay with choices you didn't predict" led me to an amazing TED talk about the science of happiness. Dan Gilbert presents two kinds of happiness. Natural happiness being what we get when we get what we want. Synthetic happiness being what we make when we don't get what we want. He states that our society makes us believe that synthetic happiness is somehow inferior to natural happiness.

I have allowed myself to feel inferior, allowed my choices to feel inferior and allowed my success to be inferior simply because it isn't what I wanted. Gosh, I hate it when I find myself so much a product of my toxic society.

Interestingly though, I think key word in Gilbert's definition of synthetic happiness is "make." Synthetic happiness allows us to make our happiness. To create it from something that didn't exist before. To put in personal effort to claim said happiness. So I didn't want to be a teacher. Big deal. I didn't get what I wanted-I'm not living abroad being a general bad ass, whatever the hell that would look like anyway. But, what I do have is a wonderful opportunity to create happiness and define it by whatever terms I want.  I have the opportunity to release myself of blame, regret and any feelings of inferiority. I can release blame from my partner and friends who are experiencing natural happiness.

Happiness is happiness and I now refuse to deny myself of it simply because life changed. If I can learn to embrace this idea of synthetic happiness, I predict a much easier transition the next time life throws me a curve ball. Because, let's face it, life rarely works out the way we predicted or wanted.

Love,
AJ

Happy birthday to me

Today is my 24th birthday. A decade ago, I was 14. Wow.

I love to think about what 14 year old Audrey thought 24 year old Audrey would be doing now. A decade ago, I think I was in the phase where I wanted to be a journalist.  18 year old Audrey wanted to be a famous anthropologist and travel to far off places to do research and eat bugs and dance crazy dances and all other romantic things anthropologists do. 21 year old Audrey wanted to be a Peace Corps Volunteer and change the world one AIDS lecture at a time. And I was pretty darn certain I'd be married by now.

I've always been one to change my mind a lot, but throughout the past decade a few goals have remained the same.

1. Have an important, meaningful job.
2. Fall in love.
3. Feel successful at what I'm doing.
And
4. Be genuinely happy.

With a lot of luck and some hard work, and despite my fickle nature, I am accomplishing my goals. I truly believe that sometimes, you have to let go of certain dreams to make room for new ones and I am so grateful I allowed myself to do this. I love my job. I love my boyfriend. I love 24 year old me. Life's not perfect, and sure, my current situation might not be ideal, but as long as those four things are in line, I think I'm doing alright.

Thanks for all the birthday love. I have some truly amazing people in my life.

Love,

AJ

First day happiness

Today was officially the first day back to school. I left school, maybe for the first time ever, blissfully high on happiness instead of the usual tweaking out with anger and anxiety. A first of many, many days I hope. Granted, I only gave assessments today and did not have a full class, so Wednesday might be a different story, but today, for first time, I feel that rewarding feeling of being a teacher. Here's why:

Seeing the look on B's face when he saw me outside his new classroom. Actually, the look of the whole family! I truly feel like I've touched some lives, and I wonder if they'll ever know the immense impact they had on mine.

Chatting with M, a stressed student about some game/video called Little Planet. He went from missing mom to Little Planet expert in a matter of seconds.

JB's dad is a teacher at our feeder high school. He got a sub for his first period class, on their first day of school too, to bring his son in for his assessment. Mom, who is also a teacher, sent me an email within a few hours saying lovely things about her son, voicing some of her very valid concerns and asking my opinion on a few things. This love and commitment to their son's education is so incredibly inspiring.

Building giant towers of little colored cubes with one of my new ELL students. V barely understands English and is quite shy, but we had so much fun seeing who could build their tower the highest while her mom filled out paperwork. Excited to be building bonds so soon!

Actually learning something personal about one of my Spanish-speaking moms. Somehow I have finally stopped being afraid of my broken Spanish; I put myself out there today and was actually able to communicate, through two different languages and a whole lot of emotion, in a way I didn't think was possible.

And finally, I've said it before, but I will say it a hundred times more- the women I work with are truly incredible. We're such a team. Seeing everyone shine today was motivating, inspiring and just wonderful. I feel so, so lucky to be a part of a team that is SO dedicated to children and their families.

So that's just a few of today's many highlights. And hey, it's only been 6 days since my last post! This is going to be a good year.

Love,

AJ

Seriously, why do I even have a blog?

If I recall, there is a post from about this time last year apologizing for being such a shitty blogger. And now, a year later, and nine months since my last post, here's another apology. Seriously, I suck at keeping blogs! Just like the post from a year ago, I'll simply start with some updates.

1. I survived the school year. Just being able to say that feels like an accomplishment. Honestly, I quit posting because I sank into such deep depression, anxiety and anger and I was embarrassed by it. I couldn't possibly post anything upbeat or even worth reading, so I just didn't. But, May did come, even though I never thought it would, my students did learn, and I did survive. It wouldn't have been possible without my amazing colleagues, my wonderful, hilarious roommate, my incredibly supportive family and my patient and unconditionally-loving boyfriend. Man, I am so blessed.

 

This is a picture of my kiddos at the pond by our school on the last day.

2. I went to Europe! I met my boyfriend in Frankfurt, Germany three days after school got out. We stayed in Frankfurt for a week and ate too much, drank a lot of beer, went to music festivals, the zoo, beautiful parks. It was so wonderful to be on vacation with him. We were so in love. He returned to Dallas, but I stayed and backpacked through Czech Republic, Austria, Slovakia, Hungary and Poland. (In that order.) I stayed with Couch Surfing hosts in every city but one and all of them were amazing. I ate the most delicious food, drank the most delicious beer, saw the most beautiful sights. It was highly introspective, occasionally really, really challenging and absolutely incredible. I loved every second of it and would recommend a solo travel trip to anyone.

 Me in a lovely garden in Warsaw, Poland. This park is also home to the Frederic Chopin monument, my favorite composer. :)

 The Von Trapp mansion from the Sound of Music. That tour was definitely a highlight of the trip!

 The view from a 1000 year old fortress in Salzburg, Austria. A beautiful city. Please go there.

 My adorable boyfriend and I at a German barbecue with our new German friends!

 What strange statues in Prague?!?!

View from the Citadella in Budapest, Hungary.

3. My man leaves for Egypt again in about two weeks. So friends, brace yourself for lots of whining. Long distance relationships are so hard, but I feel so lucky to have a partner who adores me, supports me in everything I do, challenges me when I need a reality check and always cheers me up when I'm feeling down. Luckily, he returns to the good ol' US of A in December. For good! Then we can begin to embark on what I know will be an amazing, adventure filled future together.

4. School starts again in less than a week. That's less than 7 days. Holy smokes, where did the summer go!!?!?! (Well, when you spend half of it in Europe living like a freaking queen, I guess it just flies by) This summer has offered me so much time to reflect and surprisingly, I feel super ready. I have completely forgiven myself for the things that failed last year. I have forgiven some colleagues and old friends for anything they did to hurt me. I have forgiven myself for hurting myself with my terribly negative attitude and lack of self-love. I have forgiven, but not forgotten. Last school year was debilitatingly depressing. It was exhausting. It was anxiety ridden. And I refuse to do that to myself and my students again. I am using last year's mishaps as fuel for this year's success. I don't want to just survive this school year, I want to thrive.

Now, I'd like to share some goals for the year.

1. Quit hatin'. No more hating on myself or other women. I will love myself and talk nicely to myself. I will love others and talk nicely to them too. Everyday, we are all learning. Everyday, we are all struggling. But everyday, we are all worthy of love and belonging. I am committed to lifting myself and others up always. No matter what.

2. Be less "un-pro." This is roommate-speak for unprofessional. ("Oh em gee that is supes un-pro.") I did some unprofessional things last year that I'm not proud of. This year will be different. I am still learning, but I will prioritize professional dress, speech and actions on a daily basis.

3. Self-Respect, yo. Exercise. Eat right. Fuel my body and my mind. Feed my soul. Engage in meaningful spiritual experiences. Take frequent bubble baths. Do yoga. Sing more.

This year will be better. It will be successful. It will be incredible.

So friends, wish me luck as I embark on another crazy year of teaching four year olds, trying to balance work and life, and navigating this weird time period known as your twenties.

Love,

AJ

P.S. This year will also be full of more blog posts....hopefully.

Count your blessings, not your troubles

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I am cooking my first turkey. It's in the fridge brining right now while I just hang out, listening to jazz, contemplating how incredibly wonderful my life really is.

A few weeks ago, I hit another bottom. I was feeling really defeated, stressed, overwhelmed, etc. Things are better now, mostly because it's Thanksgiving and things are always good this time of year, for me anyway.

Writing this blog post is hard.

My life is pretty wonderful right now. I whine and complain about how stressful my job is, and it is, don't get me wrong, but really, life is great. I've said it before, I love my friends. I love my adorable house. I love my smart, sweet students. I love the people I work with. My family is incredibly supportive and my partner, though oceans away, is still committed and there for me when I need him. I am incredibly lucky and even more thankful.

This is hard to write because, while I sip my apple cider in my lovely midtown home waiting for my 21 lb turkey to brine, millions of people across the country will not be with family and friends tomorrow. They will not eat turkey. They will not walk through the doors of a warm, inviting home. To think about what they will be doing, pains me. Why is it that while so many suffer, I am awarded such privilege? The world is cruel and unfair, but we get what we get, which is why this Thanksgiving, I am determined to be more conscious of my privilege and send positive thoughts, (pray, if that's what you do) to those who have, unfortunately, become caught up in a system that does not support equality. I encourage you all to do the same. And next year, let's give back, in whatever way that looks like for you.

So, be thankful. Live simply and love as much as you can. Have a wonderful holiday.

Love,

AJ

Treat Yo Self 2011

So, in my previous post I talked about how terrible I felt all the time about teaching. Well, friends, things are seriously looking up. I haven't had a breakdown in several weeks (at least not at school) and I've developed some great relationships with parents, students and friends. Life, in the grand scheme of things, couldn't get much better.

Some of my students are still a major challenge for me and I am most definitely still learning how to be an effective teacher, but I've reached the point where I can have a terrible day and not want to quit. I come home with amazing stories and every day, I have a wonderful, heart warming moment with at least one of my students. Like I said, I can't complain too much. My investment strategies are working-my students want to be at school. They want to grow up and be smart and have jobs just like their mommies and daddies. Although they understand this, they still respond to it in their own, four-year-old way. When I asked IP what kind of job he wanted when he grew up, he responded, "I want a job where I can eat food and take naps!"

This weekend was fall break (thank freakin god!) and my roommate's 25th birthday. In honor of her birthday, we had a weekend of self indulgence. We spent time with friends, drank, ate and were merry.We went to Oktoberfest, where I drank my fair share of German beer and did even more dancing on tables. Friday, I spent the entire day in bed watching tv and movies; it was a much needed brain break. Yesterday we spent the morning cleaning our house to perfection, then shopping at the mall where I made my first, real grown-up purchase. I spent quite a bit of money on THE skirt at Banana Republic. I mean this skirt is seriously fierce. Then I made two caramel apple pies while the group watched Psycho. Although we now sit in a coffee shop planning and grading, this weekend was a much needed break from the emotional stress of our lives at teachers. It was a true treat.

But, Treat Yo Self 2011 has now come to an end and it's back to reality. Luckily, my reality now consists of those adorable, smart, wonderful little kiddos I get to see every day and a group of passionate, hilarious and genuine colleagues who have easily become some of my best friends.

Love,

AJ