I never wanted to be a teacher really. I guess in some capacity, I always thought of myself as an educator, but doing what I do now, was never really the vision I had for myself. I'm smart. I'm a hard worker. I'm dedicated and passionate. Teaching 4 year olds, often makes me feel like I'm selling myself short, a negative self-perception I credit to bad media and our society's lack of support and understanding for educators. I have somehow let myself believe the old saying, "Those who can't do, teach."
How did this happen? I am the first to fiercely advocate for early childhood education. The first to shout back, "No! We need our best and brightest in every classroom!" The first to recognize the direct correlation between comprehensive early childhood education and the resolution of many of our social problems. Why is it that, although I am actively participating in a cause and movement I know to be a key factor in achieving change, I sometimes feel unhappy and unsuccessful? Why, even though I know how important my job is, do I still feel like "just a teacher"?
After an uncomfortable talk with my partner about why the recent change in my life course has become so difficult for me to accept, I turned to trusty google. A quick google search of "how to be okay with choices you didn't predict" led me to an amazing TED talk about the science of happiness. Dan Gilbert presents two kinds of happiness. Natural happiness being what we get when we get what we want. Synthetic happiness being what we make when we don't get what we want. He states that our society makes us believe that synthetic happiness is somehow inferior to natural happiness.
I have allowed myself to feel inferior, allowed my choices to feel inferior and allowed my success to be inferior simply because it isn't what I wanted. Gosh, I hate it when I find myself so much a product of my toxic society.
Interestingly though, I think key word in Gilbert's definition of synthetic happiness is "make." Synthetic happiness allows us to make our happiness. To create it from something that didn't exist before. To put in personal effort to claim said happiness. So I didn't want to be a teacher. Big deal. I didn't get what I wanted-I'm not living abroad being a general bad ass, whatever the hell that would look like anyway. But, what I do have is a wonderful opportunity to create happiness and define it by whatever terms I want. I have the opportunity to release myself of blame, regret and any feelings of inferiority. I can release blame from my partner and friends who are experiencing natural happiness.
Happiness is happiness and I now refuse to deny myself of it simply because life changed. If I can learn to embrace this idea of synthetic happiness, I predict a much easier transition the next time life throws me a curve ball. Because, let's face it, life rarely works out the way we predicted or wanted.
Love,
AJ
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Happy birthday to me
Today is my 24th birthday. A decade ago, I was 14. Wow.
I love to think about what 14 year old Audrey thought 24 year old Audrey would be doing now. A decade ago, I think I was in the phase where I wanted to be a journalist. 18 year old Audrey wanted to be a famous anthropologist and travel to far off places to do research and eat bugs and dance crazy dances and all other romantic things anthropologists do. 21 year old Audrey wanted to be a Peace Corps Volunteer and change the world one AIDS lecture at a time. And I was pretty darn certain I'd be married by now.
I've always been one to change my mind a lot, but throughout the past decade a few goals have remained the same.
1. Have an important, meaningful job.
2. Fall in love.
3. Feel successful at what I'm doing.
And
4. Be genuinely happy.
With a lot of luck and some hard work, and despite my fickle nature, I am accomplishing my goals. I truly believe that sometimes, you have to let go of certain dreams to make room for new ones and I am so grateful I allowed myself to do this. I love my job. I love my boyfriend. I love 24 year old me. Life's not perfect, and sure, my current situation might not be ideal, but as long as those four things are in line, I think I'm doing alright.
Thanks for all the birthday love. I have some truly amazing people in my life.
Love,
AJ
I love to think about what 14 year old Audrey thought 24 year old Audrey would be doing now. A decade ago, I think I was in the phase where I wanted to be a journalist. 18 year old Audrey wanted to be a famous anthropologist and travel to far off places to do research and eat bugs and dance crazy dances and all other romantic things anthropologists do. 21 year old Audrey wanted to be a Peace Corps Volunteer and change the world one AIDS lecture at a time. And I was pretty darn certain I'd be married by now.
I've always been one to change my mind a lot, but throughout the past decade a few goals have remained the same.
1. Have an important, meaningful job.
2. Fall in love.
3. Feel successful at what I'm doing.
And
4. Be genuinely happy.
With a lot of luck and some hard work, and despite my fickle nature, I am accomplishing my goals. I truly believe that sometimes, you have to let go of certain dreams to make room for new ones and I am so grateful I allowed myself to do this. I love my job. I love my boyfriend. I love 24 year old me. Life's not perfect, and sure, my current situation might not be ideal, but as long as those four things are in line, I think I'm doing alright.
Thanks for all the birthday love. I have some truly amazing people in my life.
Love,
AJ
Monday, August 20, 2012
First day happiness
Today was officially the first day back to school. I left school, maybe for the first time ever, blissfully high on happiness instead of the usual tweaking out with anger and anxiety. A first of many, many days I hope. Granted, I only gave assessments today and did not have a full class, so Wednesday might be a different story, but today, for first time, I feel that rewarding feeling of being a teacher. Here's why:
Seeing the look on B's face when he saw me outside his new classroom. Actually, the look of the whole family! I truly feel like I've touched some lives, and I wonder if they'll ever know the immense impact they had on mine.
Chatting with M, a stressed student about some game/video called Little Planet. He went from missing mom to Little Planet expert in a matter of seconds.
JB's dad is a teacher at our feeder high school. He got a sub for his first period class, on their first day of school too, to bring his son in for his assessment. Mom, who is also a teacher, sent me an email within a few hours saying lovely things about her son, voicing some of her very valid concerns and asking my opinion on a few things. This love and commitment to their son's education is so incredibly inspiring.
Building giant towers of little colored cubes with one of my new ELL students. V barely understands English and is quite shy, but we had so much fun seeing who could build their tower the highest while her mom filled out paperwork. Excited to be building bonds so soon!
Actually learning something personal about one of my Spanish-speaking moms. Somehow I have finally stopped being afraid of my broken Spanish; I put myself out there today and was actually able to communicate, through two different languages and a whole lot of emotion, in a way I didn't think was possible.
And finally, I've said it before, but I will say it a hundred times more- the women I work with are truly incredible. We're such a team. Seeing everyone shine today was motivating, inspiring and just wonderful. I feel so, so lucky to be a part of a team that is SO dedicated to children and their families.
So that's just a few of today's many highlights. And hey, it's only been 6 days since my last post! This is going to be a good year.
Love,
AJ
Seeing the look on B's face when he saw me outside his new classroom. Actually, the look of the whole family! I truly feel like I've touched some lives, and I wonder if they'll ever know the immense impact they had on mine.
Chatting with M, a stressed student about some game/video called Little Planet. He went from missing mom to Little Planet expert in a matter of seconds.
JB's dad is a teacher at our feeder high school. He got a sub for his first period class, on their first day of school too, to bring his son in for his assessment. Mom, who is also a teacher, sent me an email within a few hours saying lovely things about her son, voicing some of her very valid concerns and asking my opinion on a few things. This love and commitment to their son's education is so incredibly inspiring.
Building giant towers of little colored cubes with one of my new ELL students. V barely understands English and is quite shy, but we had so much fun seeing who could build their tower the highest while her mom filled out paperwork. Excited to be building bonds so soon!
Actually learning something personal about one of my Spanish-speaking moms. Somehow I have finally stopped being afraid of my broken Spanish; I put myself out there today and was actually able to communicate, through two different languages and a whole lot of emotion, in a way I didn't think was possible.
And finally, I've said it before, but I will say it a hundred times more- the women I work with are truly incredible. We're such a team. Seeing everyone shine today was motivating, inspiring and just wonderful. I feel so, so lucky to be a part of a team that is SO dedicated to children and their families.
So that's just a few of today's many highlights. And hey, it's only been 6 days since my last post! This is going to be a good year.
Love,
AJ
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Seriously, why do I even have a blog?
If I recall, there is a post from about this time last year apologizing for being such a shitty blogger. And now, a year later, and nine months since my last post, here's another apology. Seriously, I suck at keeping blogs! Just like the post from a year ago, I'll simply start with some updates.
1. I survived the school year. Just being able to say that feels like an accomplishment. Honestly, I quit posting because I sank into such deep depression, anxiety and anger and I was embarrassed by it. I couldn't possibly post anything upbeat or even worth reading, so I just didn't. But, May did come, even though I never thought it would, my students did learn, and I did survive. It wouldn't have been possible without my amazing colleagues, my wonderful, hilarious roommate, my incredibly supportive family and my patient and unconditionally-loving boyfriend. Man, I am so blessed.
2. I went to Europe! I met my boyfriend in Frankfurt, Germany three days after school got out. We stayed in Frankfurt for a week and ate too much, drank a lot of beer, went to music festivals, the zoo, beautiful parks. It was so wonderful to be on vacation with him. We were so in love. He returned to Dallas, but I stayed and backpacked through Czech Republic, Austria, Slovakia, Hungary and Poland. (In that order.) I stayed with Couch Surfing hosts in every city but one and all of them were amazing. I ate the most delicious food, drank the most delicious beer, saw the most beautiful sights. It was highly introspective, occasionally really, really challenging and absolutely incredible. I loved every second of it and would recommend a solo travel trip to anyone.
Me in a lovely garden in Warsaw, Poland. This park is also home to the Frederic Chopin monument, my favorite composer. :)
The Von Trapp mansion from the Sound of Music. That tour was definitely a highlight of the trip!
The view from a 1000 year old fortress in Salzburg, Austria. A beautiful city. Please go there.
My adorable boyfriend and I at a German barbecue with our new German friends!
What strange statues in Prague?!?!
View from the Citadella in Budapest, Hungary.
3. My man leaves for Egypt again in about two weeks. So friends, brace yourself for lots of whining. Long distance relationships are so hard, but I feel so lucky to have a partner who adores me, supports me in everything I do, challenges me when I need a reality check and always cheers me up when I'm feeling down. Luckily, he returns to the good ol' US of A in December. For good! Then we can begin to embark on what I know will be an amazing, adventure filled future together.
4. School starts again in less than a week. That's less than 7 days. Holy smokes, where did the summer go!!?!?! (Well, when you spend half of it in Europe living like a freaking queen, I guess it just flies by) This summer has offered me so much time to reflect and surprisingly, I feel super ready. I have completely forgiven myself for the things that failed last year. I have forgiven some colleagues and old friends for anything they did to hurt me. I have forgiven myself for hurting myself with my terribly negative attitude and lack of self-love. I have forgiven, but not forgotten. Last school year was debilitatingly depressing. It was exhausting. It was anxiety ridden. And I refuse to do that to myself and my students again. I am using last year's mishaps as fuel for this year's success. I don't want to just survive this school year, I want to thrive.
Now, I'd like to share some goals for the year.
1. Quit hatin'. No more hating on myself or other women. I will love myself and talk nicely to myself. I will love others and talk nicely to them too. Everyday, we are all learning. Everyday, we are all struggling. But everyday, we are all worthy of love and belonging. I am committed to lifting myself and others up always. No matter what.
2. Be less "un-pro." This is roommate-speak for unprofessional. ("Oh em gee that is supes un-pro.") I did some unprofessional things last year that I'm not proud of. This year will be different. I am still learning, but I will prioritize professional dress, speech and actions on a daily basis.
3. Self-Respect, yo. Exercise. Eat right. Fuel my body and my mind. Feed my soul. Engage in meaningful spiritual experiences. Take frequent bubble baths. Do yoga. Sing more.
This year will be better. It will be successful. It will be incredible.
So friends, wish me luck as I embark on another crazy year of teaching four year olds, trying to balance work and life, and navigating this weird time period known as your twenties.
Love,
AJ
P.S. This year will also be full of more blog posts....hopefully.
1. I survived the school year. Just being able to say that feels like an accomplishment. Honestly, I quit posting because I sank into such deep depression, anxiety and anger and I was embarrassed by it. I couldn't possibly post anything upbeat or even worth reading, so I just didn't. But, May did come, even though I never thought it would, my students did learn, and I did survive. It wouldn't have been possible without my amazing colleagues, my wonderful, hilarious roommate, my incredibly supportive family and my patient and unconditionally-loving boyfriend. Man, I am so blessed.
This is a picture of my kiddos at the pond by our school on the last day.
2. I went to Europe! I met my boyfriend in Frankfurt, Germany three days after school got out. We stayed in Frankfurt for a week and ate too much, drank a lot of beer, went to music festivals, the zoo, beautiful parks. It was so wonderful to be on vacation with him. We were so in love. He returned to Dallas, but I stayed and backpacked through Czech Republic, Austria, Slovakia, Hungary and Poland. (In that order.) I stayed with Couch Surfing hosts in every city but one and all of them were amazing. I ate the most delicious food, drank the most delicious beer, saw the most beautiful sights. It was highly introspective, occasionally really, really challenging and absolutely incredible. I loved every second of it and would recommend a solo travel trip to anyone.
3. My man leaves for Egypt again in about two weeks. So friends, brace yourself for lots of whining. Long distance relationships are so hard, but I feel so lucky to have a partner who adores me, supports me in everything I do, challenges me when I need a reality check and always cheers me up when I'm feeling down. Luckily, he returns to the good ol' US of A in December. For good! Then we can begin to embark on what I know will be an amazing, adventure filled future together.
4. School starts again in less than a week. That's less than 7 days. Holy smokes, where did the summer go!!?!?! (Well, when you spend half of it in Europe living like a freaking queen, I guess it just flies by) This summer has offered me so much time to reflect and surprisingly, I feel super ready. I have completely forgiven myself for the things that failed last year. I have forgiven some colleagues and old friends for anything they did to hurt me. I have forgiven myself for hurting myself with my terribly negative attitude and lack of self-love. I have forgiven, but not forgotten. Last school year was debilitatingly depressing. It was exhausting. It was anxiety ridden. And I refuse to do that to myself and my students again. I am using last year's mishaps as fuel for this year's success. I don't want to just survive this school year, I want to thrive.
Now, I'd like to share some goals for the year.
1. Quit hatin'. No more hating on myself or other women. I will love myself and talk nicely to myself. I will love others and talk nicely to them too. Everyday, we are all learning. Everyday, we are all struggling. But everyday, we are all worthy of love and belonging. I am committed to lifting myself and others up always. No matter what.
2. Be less "un-pro." This is roommate-speak for unprofessional. ("Oh em gee that is supes un-pro.") I did some unprofessional things last year that I'm not proud of. This year will be different. I am still learning, but I will prioritize professional dress, speech and actions on a daily basis.
3. Self-Respect, yo. Exercise. Eat right. Fuel my body and my mind. Feed my soul. Engage in meaningful spiritual experiences. Take frequent bubble baths. Do yoga. Sing more.
This year will be better. It will be successful. It will be incredible.
So friends, wish me luck as I embark on another crazy year of teaching four year olds, trying to balance work and life, and navigating this weird time period known as your twenties.
Love,
AJ
P.S. This year will also be full of more blog posts....hopefully.
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