Today is my last day in Tulsa. For now, anyway. When I moved
here two years ago, I had no idea what to expect from this experience. I had
never been to Oklahoma, I had never taught anything really, let alone a class
of four year olds. I was literally driving into the unknown. The last two years
have been a whirlwind of emotions, experiences…just life in general. However,
these last few days have seemed to go in slow motion. As I donate and sell my
things, pack up my car and say my goodbyes, I have become completely
overwhelmed. I’ve wanted to write this post for a while now, but the sheer
amount of emotions I’m feeling made it seem impossible to condense into one
blog post. But, I think I’ve managed to narrow it down. As this chapter comes
to an end, I’m definitely feeling the most amounts of gratitude, relief,
anticipation and joy.
When I think about the last two years holistically, the
feeling that overcomes me the most is gratitude. I knew I would make friends
here, but I had no idea to what extent some of these relationships would affect
me. There are a handful of women in particular who were my lifeline. My family
away from home. My dearest confidants and fiercest advocates. The women who
were my leaders, coaches and guides- my principals, staff development teacher,
MTLDs- patiently nurtured me from the depressed, angry, hopeless disaster of my
first year to the confident, bold, convicted, creative teacher I am today. They made me a teacher. They helped me find a career path and a
passion when I had none. When I say they were my lifelines, it is no
exaggeration. These women literally gave me a life. A path. A passion. A
purpose. We all go into teaching thinking we will make change, even if it’s
just for one child. These fearless leaders have changed my life in such a real,
tangible way. I want them to know that they did change the world, because they
changed me and I changed my students and for this, I am forever in their debt.
I also would not have survived these two years without my wonderful teacher
neighbors. These few women saw me at what I can honestly say was my absolute
worst, on multiple occasions, and refused to let it cloud their image of me.
They suspended their judgments, accepted my flaws along with my strengths,
challenged me when I needed it and celebrated in my successes always. To say
that they were supportive and caring and all those other nice things would be a
complete understatement. These women, even when faced with their own personal
and professional challenges, still found the time and strength to be my
anchors, my shoulder to cry on (literally), and my bestest friends. Y’all are
the best people I know and my dearest, dearest friends. Words cannot describe
how overwhelmingly grateful I am for everyone who has walked into my life this
past year. I am so grateful to the parents and families of my students, for
allowing me into their lives and their families and for trusting me with their
most prized possessions. I am so grateful for my students and their curiosity,
patience, exuberance and wonder about the world. I honestly think I learned
more from them than I ever taught. I am so grateful. Just exceedingly,
overwhelmingly, exhaustingly grateful.
As this chapter comes to an end, I definitely feel relieved.
There were some dark, dark times here. Times when I did and said things I never
thought I would. Times when relationships were shattered beyond repair. Times
when I didn’t get out of bed for an entire weekend. It is a huge weight off my
shoulders to completely forgive myself for any mistakes, forgive others who may
have hurt me, put it all behind me and just move on. Fresh starts are always
nice, but the difficulties of the last two years make this one special. I’m
leaving a lot of weight and negativity behind and it feels so good. Student
loans are paid for. Negative relationships are cut off. Material things sold/donated. The only
thing I’ll take with me is positivity, as I refuse to ever be that sad, lonely,
angry, etc., again. I’m also relieved to no longer be a TFA corps member and to
transition into alumni hood. To a certain extent, you’re always a corps member
because the battle for equity won’t stop until equity is actually achieved.
But, I’m excited to hopefully spend my time more productively, instead of in
weekly, fruitless professional development sessions. I’d like to spend more
time learning about curriculum development and what it actually takes to teach
kids. Now, instead of representing an organization I don’t always agree with, I
can represent myself, as a real teacher with real ideas, real strategies, and
real experiences. It’s nice to not
be a newbie anymore.
The releasing of all those negative emotions and experiences
has allowed so much room for giddy anticipation. People keep asking me, with
furrowed brows and a tone of such sincere concern, “How are you feeling about
the big move?” like I’m supposed to share in their concern. Honestly, I’m not
nervous at all. I’m not anxious. I haven’t played through the scenarios of
terrible things that could happen. All I feel is excitement. Anticipation.
Giddy. I’ve always been one to have way too many goals and dreams to keep track
of, but everything I’ve ever wanted to be when I grew up (astronaut, pilot,
actress, journalist, anthropologist) was ultimately centered around a common
theme- I wanted to see the world. I’ve honestly never wanted anything else so
badly and I feel so incredibly fortunate that the opportunity has finally
arrived. I am ecstatic to try new foods, learn a new language, see new sights,
meet new people. I’m at the stage right now where I’m even excited to use squat
toilets, take grungy public transportation and have strangers want to touch my
light, wavy hair. It’ll all be so new, so exciting, so vibrant, so different.
I’m totally romanticizing it now, and I’ve always known that I completely romanticize
living and traveling abroad, but that’s part of the reason I’m doing this. I
want to actually know what it’s like in other places. I want to know first
hand, from my own experiences instead of from western media. The world is so
big and how lucky are we to have developed the technology to explore it. Why in
the world would I be nervous? This is awesome! This is going to be the most badass
thing I ever do!
All of these emotions and experiences ultimately leave me
feeling happier than I think I’ve ever felt so far. For as many tears as I’ve
shed these past two years, I have shared exponentially more laughs with the
most amazing people. For every failure, there were that many more monumental
successes. I know this next adventure will be hard, just like this last one. I
know there will be moments of loneliness and despair. I know this. But, if I’ve
learned anything from these last two years, it’s that life goes on. With every
down, there is an up. The lower the lows, the higher the highs. And through all
of this fluctuating, that’s where growth and change happens. After all, change
in all things is sweet.
Thanks for everything, Tulsa. See you soon!
Love,
AJ
