I have had a breakdown every day this week (except today, but more on that in a bit). Those of you who know me well know that showing my emotions is probably the thing I do best. Hiding them in any way is just not possible for me. If I am happy, I'm jumping up and down. If I'm sad, flustered or angry, I'm probably crying. And when I am literally being beaten up by four year olds, my emotions get the best of me and it is damn near impossible to not have melt down. This usually looks like me running to our staff developer's office begging her to come take over my classroom while I cry in the teachers' lounge. It's embarrassing. Actually, it's mortifying. I have always hated that about myself and although, over the years, I have developed more and more control, now that I am in a professional setting, I'm afraid it will never stop.
So what all of this means is that my kids see me cry. They see me get so easily upset and for about 30 seconds they are sympathetic. Then, they continue the very behavior that brought me to tears in the first place. They are not in a place to understand my frustration and some of them, I feel, really take advantage of it. My colleagues see me cry as well, which is the most embarrassing part of all. Most days I openly say how badly I do not want to do this anymore and then I get more support that I could ever ask for, and things don't seem so bad. Yesterday, my staff developer/school mom said to me, "Audrey, you are not a quitter, so don't even talk like that. You will let us help you and you will love this job."
She's right. I am not a quitter. I will let them help me and I know I will love this job. To say it is hard is the understatement of the century. This job is just plain ridiculous in every way and I spend a good 30 minutes each morning contemplating what the hell would make anyone decide to be a teacher. But then you have days like today.
Today, my aid was sick, but luckily another teacher's aid was kind enough to come assist me, and it was great! She was wonderful with the kids and it was so exciting to see her interact with them in such a positive way. The kids loved her and I learned a lot just in the several hours I spent with her.
Although my class was a bit more rambunctious than usual, we had some really great moments. During our reading workshop, every student was working so diligently to find characters in their stories, which was our objective for the day. During centers, I heard students asking one another for toys, instead of just snatching them. During our afternoon meeting, I heard three students say how nice it was to play with C, who is one of my most challenging students.
And then there was our first ever Cooking Friday. I've decided that every Friday we will cook something as a class. Cooking is one of my passions and I have such fond memories of cooking with my parents and teachers as a child; I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner. So, today we made mud pies with pudding and oreos. It was awesome. The kids LOVED cooking together and we had a blast making a mess and pretending it was real mud. Then there was this gem: while whisking the pudding, B says to me, "Hey Ms. Talab, your boobies went up and down like this." Then he proceeds to make a hand motion very similar to that of Mrs. Ellington's "checks and balances" movement, where he swung his hands back and forth in front of his chest. I about lost it!
Also, while we were waiting for the pudding to set, they somehow convinced me to to a cartwheel in the classroom. Out of nowhere, I don't even remember who said it, one of them shouted, "Hey, Ms. Talab, do a cartwheel!" And soon enough, after some cheering from 21 very excited four year olds, I found myself doing a cartwheel in the middle of my classroom, praying not to break anything on my self or on my desk. They freaked out. I'm thinking of using it as a positive incentive. Sit criss cross apple sauce and Ms. Talab will do a cartwheel!
Like I've said before, at the end of the day, it's moments like making mud and doing gymnastic moves that make all the ridiculousness totally worth it.
Love,
AJ
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